Solid 5: New Year's resolutions
Right, another year, another shot at pretending I'm going to become a better version of myself. Honestly, you'd think after a quarter-century on this planet, I'd have learned that my 'resolutions' usually last about as long as a decent drive into a stiff headwind – impressive for a moment, then they fizzle out somewhere around February.
But here we are, a new year rolls around, and the sheer, unadulterated optimism of a fresh start has me by the metaphorical golf balls. So, for all you other golf tragics out there, here's my completely unrealistic and utterly useless list of New Year's resolutions for the upcoming season to at least make you smile.
1. Actually, Properly Warm-Up Before a Round
You know the score. You turn up to the course, five maybe ten minutes before your tee time, still half-asleep and fuelled by a lukewarm coffee and a vague sense of dread.
A quick practice swing where the sound of your vertapts pops up your back, and boom, you're on the first tee. This year, I'm telling you, will be different. I'm talking dynamic stretches, a few gentle swings, maybe even hitting a few balls on the range beforehand.
The goal? To stop looking like such a mess on the first three holes, by the time my swing is there, my round is gone.
The reality? I'll still be fumbling for my glove while my playing partners are already eyeing their approach shots.
2. Stop Buying Every Gizmo and Gadget Promising to Shave Shots
My garage currently resembles a graveyard of golf's broken promises. Swing trainers that look like they belong in a torture chamber, putting mats that make my living room feel like a miniature golf course, and enough alignment sticks to build a small fort. Each purchase is a beacon of hope, a desperate plea to the golfing gods for just a few fewer shanks.
Now, I’m vowing to resist the siren call of the pro shop. No more 'revolutionary' putters that guarantee a straight roll (they don't), no more 'game-improvement' irons that make my wallet lighter. I will use what I have. I will. (He says, already eyeing up a new hybrid online).
3. Control my Temper
My golf bag has witnessed some truly theatrical performances over the years. The slow-motion head shake, the muttered obscenities, the occasional (and regrettable) club toss into a particularly unyielding bunker. It's not a pretty sight, and it scares the local wildlife.
With the pledge to channel my inner Zen master. Every bad shot will be met with a calm, understanding nod. Every missed putt, a gentle sigh of acceptance. My clubs will remain firmly in my possession, rather than becoming impromptu javelins. I'll be a beacon of tranquillity, a golfing Dalai Lama. (Unless, of course, I three-putt from two feet again. Then all bets are off.)
4. Stop Blaming My Equipment/The Weather/The Golf Course/A Random fucking Bee
My list of excuses for a poor shot is extensive and varied. "The club felt off." "The wind just grabbed it." "That green is definitely tilted." "Did you see that bee? Totally distracted me." This year, I'm taking responsibility. If I duff it, it's my fault. If I slice it into the woods, it's on me. No more blaming inanimate objects or innocent insects. It's time to own my mediocrity.
5. Enjoy the Walk
In amongst all the frustration, the shanks, and the endless search for lost balls, it's easy to forget that golf is played in some truly beautiful places. Rolling hills, lush fairways, the smell of freshly cut grass.
I’m going to make the effort to take a moment to appreciate the surroundings, the company, and the sheer privilege of being able to whack a little white ball around a field for a few hours. Embracing the scenery and the fresh air… because none of this really matters.
So there you have it, my "totally achievable" list of resolutions. I've written them down, I've shared them with the internet, so now there's no going back!
Or is there? By mid-January, when this piece comes out. I'll probably be back to my old tricks. Rushing to the first tee, buying another 'miracle' training aid, swearing under my breath, and generally playing golf the same way I always have. Because deep down, as much as we pretend we want to change, the comfort of our familiar golfing habits (and shortcomings) is just too strong.
Happy New Year, to you all. See you on the first tee, probably still cold, still late, and still hoping for that one perfect shot.
